Overcoming the past...

In the last few days my past has come back to haunt me.  It seems that life has a way of making this happen from time to time. Normally I would just sit back, have a few bad days and let it go.  But I can't and won't do that this time.  I have been having on and off again panic/anxiety attacks that last from a few mins. to a few hours.  And the worst part is, there is nothing wrong! It is my past, something I cannot change, something I have been trying to hide from and something that just is.  I won't go into details, but I made a huge mistake in 2002, and now it is impacting my life. Perhaps that is why I am having these feelings. Because I have been hiding from this one thing for so long. Only my family knows what this thing is, and it took me almost three years before I even told the hubby about it. But with the emergence of this thing into the forefront of my life, it has managed to drag up alot of feelings about many different things. The first one, and probably the most prominent, is fear. Fear that my past mistakes will impact my future. Everyone has a past (if they admit it or not), but how many can say that that past can still impact their lives?  It is an overwhelming feeling, and facing it has not been easy. Even now, my stomach is turning and my ears are burning. And all I am doing is thinking about it. The next feeling I am dealing with is anger. I am very angry with myself, with the simple fact that I made stupid decisions down the line and that I am letting them take me over like this. And finally I feel weak....so where to go from here? I guess it is time to let the past go.  I know my past isn't perfect, but I can't change it. If nothing else it has made me who I am today. And somehow that is a comforting thought.  I know that letting go of the past is easier said than done, but I am trying. Just by acknowledging that I can't fix it, or change it, helps. Today will happen, and tomorrow will come. All I can do is accept things the way they are and keep trying to do better than I have been doing. Surround myself with the people I love (and who love me), take a few deep breaths and just let go...I think I am feeling better.

Happiness is....

I have often wondered if I am happy. Not just a having a good day happy, or finding twenty dollars in my pocket happy, but honestly happy. So I picked up my newest book (I'll post on that in my "Nightstand" page.) and decided to start digging. It seems to me that yes, indeed I am happy. So now it was time to take stock of this happiness. First off I happen to be married to my best friend. He is without a doubt the best thing to happen to me. Next I have a amazing family. They are always there when I need them (and even when I don't.) I have a dog and a cat who love me no matter what mood I am in. But these things are given. Most of us have friends/family/ significant others/ kids/ pets that make us happy. So then I started to look at the little things that make me happy. My fridge and my pantry are full. That might not seem like alot, but in this economy I am thankful that I have plenty of food to eat. Which leads to the next thing that makes me happy, grocery shopping with my coupons. I work hard at it (couponing) and it pays off for me and the hubby. It is a small victory for me every time I go to know that I am saving 50-75 percent. My job...okay maybe I'm not happy everyday I am at work, but again I am thankful to have it. I lost my last job on New Year Day. I sat on unemployment for all of January. That was a horrible time for me. My confidence was shot, I slept all day and was depressed when I was awake. Turns out I need the social interaction I get from work (even if I am having a bad day). My car makes me happy too. I love the way the speakers light up, and even though the payment kills me once a month, it is nice to know that I have a safe, reliable mode of transportation. I could go on but it would take along time. So now I wonder, if I have all these things then why are there days when I am not happy at all. And the answer hit me, because I am a normal adult who has bad days. So now I am starting to realize that I need to take (and keep) stock of all I have that makes me happy. Even the smallest things like a stack of coupons that have yet to be cut, a small brown dog that wants me to chase her around the couch or a kitchen that has somehow managed to stay really clean for two weeks. Maybe that is what happiness is...not the big things, or the surprise things, but all the little things in our lives that mean something to us. Even if they would mean nothing to someone else...

A Victory and a Set Back...everythings Zen...

Sorry it has been so long since my last post, but life has a way of slowing you down.  I had planned on posting everyday but low and behold my laptop said "not on your life!". Long story short the lap top is all better and the posting can resume. So that was my set back, now to the victory. My kitchen, laundry room and dining room table are all clean!!! YAY ME!!! I have noticed that as my home become cleaner, my mood when I get home is better.  I have done some short research and have found that have a messy house can not only effect your mood (and in extreme cases lead to depression), it can also effect your overall health ( having trouble sleeping anyone? Tense shoulders? This can be a factor...) esp. if you have allergies and asthma. I am in no way done yet, I still have 2 bathrooms that need a deep clean, a bedroom and....the office. (I don't even want to think about cleaning that yet...yikes!) But I am making progress. I am actually enjoying this process. I am finding things I thought were gone, and loosing the things I no longer need. It has amazed me how much I have collected over the last two years. When the husband and I moved two years ago I did a major purge of the house then, and I have managed to put it all back! But thats okay, I am dealing with it now.  And now I am beginning to see how nice it is to be zen like.  I have more moments where I am calm, and can turn my bad moods around faster.  I know that I tend to take things really personally, even when they are not and I am trying to see these situations clearer and let things go when I can. I am in no way a zen master, but for the moment in my life everythings zen...well zen enough.

Day 2....Zen, Traffic and Being Okay

Ahhhh day two.  You started off so bright, sunny and full of potential.  To bad I slept through most of it. I had a late night, thoughts of my blog swimming in my head as well as a new level of angst over a meeting I had to attend today. No matter how hard I tried (and believe me I tried!) to fall asleep it did not come until the wee wee hours of the morning. It is never a good sign when you hear birds chirping and you are trying to sleep.
It was my alarm that snapped me back into the land of the awake at the nice helpful time of noon.  I looked at my table and sighed. Should I MAKE the time to clean it as was my plan and risk falling behind on things that I needed to do to be fully ready for my meeting? A quick trip to my coffee maker was all it took to put me into the right frame of mind.  The table could wait. My meeting, and being ready for it, was far greater to my overall mental zen then the table was. So I sat, looking at my table and sipping my coffee going over all me "mental notes" for the meeting as well getting my directions via map quest. It was during this time that I had my first (hopefully not my last) "aha!" moment.  All mornings should be like this..(not the sleeping in late) taking my time to be prepared, relaxed and far more ready to go.
I went to my meeting (leaving plenty of time for traffic) and arrived early, relaxed and prepared. It was a nice change..my meeting went well and it was time to head home..in RUSH HOUR traffic, 82 degree heat and me dressed in black pants, a black tank and an over shirt...it was hot, and there was a point in time when I was not moving at all on the highway.
I was beginning to feel that familiar frustration. I wanted to be home, I wanted to be cooler than I was and more than anything I wanted the person in front of me to hang up her phone and drive!! Remembering what I had recently read I made the choice to sit back a bit, relax and just enjoy the drive. I put my windows down, cranked up the feel good music and just let the frustration go. It was in no way my fault that everyone and their mother was on the same road. Nor could I control the fact that some of them needed driving lessons. The only thing I could control was my feelings about it all. So I let the sun shine in on me, open sunroof and all. And it felt good. In the pacific northwest sunny days are rare so I just enjoyed it. Before I knew it I was home, safe and sound. I walked into my still messy apartment, tossed my purse onto my still messy table and for once I was okay with that.  I may not have accomplished my clean table goal, but I did accomplish a drive home in rush hour traffic with my sanity and blood pressure in tact. Tomorrow I will try the table again, and if it does not happen I think I will be okay...

Day 1...

Okay, perhaps I am a little to self centered. Perhaps no one will enjoy reading about my latest project. Or maybe, just maybe others will read what I am about to do and join me.  As it happens my life is a bit bland, predictable and messy!  So many things have changed in the last six months for me and none of them have been to my "plan".  I have adapted, and in this time of change I have found myself asking the question "Can happiness really be achieved? And if so how do I get it?"  Two years ago I was happy, I had money in the bank, could take trips, buy new cars and generally liked life.  Now the money is tight, the trips are few and far between and my new car is still mine, but the payments seem harder now then they did then. I was in no way living large, by my husband and I were living. Now it seems that we work to survive, the stress is mounting and my overall happiness is waining.
I have been reading alot about meditation and the "zen" state and I want in! I want to feel that again, but this time I want it to be a true happiness, not a material one. I plan on spending the next year taking it one step at a time and one day at a time.  I am not foolish enough to think that in one year everything will be all better, but I do expect them to be better. So I have made a mental list of what I want to accomplish and the first 30 days of my mission are simple...CLEAN THE HOUSE!!!!
I know it sounds simple, but I dont mean a quick clean, or even a "spring" clean. I am talking about a top to bottom clean, tossing out the broken and donating the un-used. I believe that before I can begin to unclutter my mind I must first unclutter my surroundings. Then and only then can i take down the rest of the "clutter" in my mind. I will begin tomorrow..and I will start with the kitchen table.  Trust me, we havent had a meal on it in over a year.....